I Hate 5e D&D errata

I had a brilliant idea.  I’d take all of the recent tweets about the specualtive hating of the fifth edition of D&D.  Surprise! as I was scrolling through the tweets, I found out that my friend over at All Geek Out had already done so in this post.  However more have been posted since his blog article, so I offer this errata for why I hate D&D 5e.

JuliusTheOrange: The only prestige class is ninja wizard. They get bear familiars w/ laser eyes.  

majyc: Given you can only play online it seems a bit much to REQUIRE you buy physical minis to make them available on the virtual tabletop. 

DivineRankZero: Really? There’s only three skills? Use mouth, use head, and use feet.

vulcanstev: My Little Pony, Dire Ponies, Bullywug Ponies, and My Little Centaur occupy 10 pages of the Monster Manual.

AsaTJ: So class selection is now pared down to “bourgeoisie” and “proletariat?” I don’t get it.

ExplodingDragon: In 5e DMs will mainly be programmers of AIs that display maps, control enemy tactics and read text in Ian McKellen’s voice.

ExplodingDragon: In 5e there will be a table to roll a die to see who brings the food to next weeks session.  

ExplodingDragon: For 5e WotC will merge with Games Workshop, make minitures mandatory and Hit Points dependant on how well painted the mini is.

geeksdreamgirl: In 5e, there’s only two alignments: Naughty and Nice. Santa decides which one you will be.

dalcher: 5e will feature a Quickling familiar named Asmodiar that only you can see, his provided benefits can’t be perceived by anyone else.  

WyattSalazar: The official D&D “amerimanga” by Tokyopop does not have cute enough girls to interest me. Except for that Drow loli.

newbiedm: Susan Boyle is the iconic bard from a small village? Cmon Mearls!

vulcanstev In 5e WotC owns the rights to your characters. There is a per play fee on all creations using the ruleset.

panthera_onca: Why did they replace dragons with chromatic and metallic flumphs?!?

e2thej: What? The Forgotten Realms have slid *backwards* 5,000 years before Mystra’s birth. No magic and everyone’s a barbarian.

DaanRedblade: To ensure people roleplay correctly, instead of rulebooks 5e provides read aloud D&D scripts, written by Courtney Solomon.