United Federation of Planets

Starfleet Command – Office of Strategic Affairs
Confidential Memorandum
Stardate 54782.3

Subject: Policy Regarding Solicitation of Assistance from Omnipotent Entities

Following review of prior encounters with extra-dimensional and omnipotent beings (cf. Q Continuum, Organians, Prophets, Metrons, Trelane, et al.), Starfleet Command issues the following directive:

---

Official Reasons for Non-Solicitation

1. Reliability Concerns
   Entities of godlike power have repeatedly demonstrated a tendency toward whimsy, cryptic speech, and/or forced costume dramas. Starfleet operations cannot rely on battlefield interventions that begin with “Guess what century you’re in now?”
2. Contractual Limitations
   The Cosmic Entity Guild has placed all known godlike beings under a non-interference clause. Violations carry stiff penalties, including mandatory millennia-long arbitration.
3. Prime Directive Reciprocity
   Many omnipotent species observe their own version of the Prime Directive, which can be summarized as: “Don’t help the hairless apes until they figure out indoor plumbing and warp core safety protocols.”
4. Public Relations Exposure
   Previous engagements revealed that reliance on omnipotent beings undermines Federation morale. (Quote from recent Federation News Service poll: “If Q is just going to fix everything, why are we paying taxes?”)
5. Prior Outcomes
   The last three requests for aid resulted in:
   • Starfleet crews transformed into 18th-century French soldiers.
   • Admiral Nakamura trapped in an endless baseball metaphor.
   • An entire starbase made of tapioca.
     These incidents were deemed “strategically unhelpful.”
6. Ethical Considerations
   Relying on omnipotent entities to solve mortal conflicts places the Federation in a precarious position of cosmic dependency. Also, it makes the Admiralty look bad at parties.

---

Directive

Starfleet vessels encountering the Borg, the Dominion, or other large-scale threats are to pursue conventional solutions: diplomacy, science, photon torpedoes, and, where necessary, dramatic speeches on the bridge. Solicitation of godlike entities is strictly prohibited except when the ship is already turned into chess pieces.

Signed,
Admiral T’Vorak
Deputy Director, Office of Strategic Affairs

Return to the Nitpicker’s Guild page

Return to the Star Trek page
Return to the Star Trek: TOS page
Return to the Star Trek: TNG page
Return to the Star Trek: SNW page
Return to the Star Trek films page

Return to the Paramount page